2010 Poetry Challenge

National Poetry Month

Peter Willowdown

Baconslicer V. Zen

Strawberry Wanderers have scored again from a pass from Cream Puff Clarence (the cross-eyed centre-forward) to their immaculate and insanely grinning new striker, Mr. Zen, a snip at a mere twelve million dollars and formerly with the Hiroshima Flashbacks.

Uh-oh but here comes trouble in the form or every Evertonian's favourite rottweiler, dumpy Kevin Baconslicer, double-trouble after the recent breakup of his marriage to Hollywood powderbrain Variety Jane, star and single brain-cell of the sell-out 'Steven Spielberg Ate my Grandmother' in which she played a cratchety old grandmother transformed into a next to naked young research student after she 'accidently' fell into a large tub of chili and avocado dip that had been doctored with pyschotropic enzymes by the evil film producer Seismic Overload, placed by Arnold Kadaver, the ex-mayor of Los Angeles who had tired of politics and had broken back into celluloid and steroids with a vengeance.

Baconslicer's own mediocre attempts to break into the movie industry with 'Dirty Footballer's: the Highlights' were ingloriously dashed when he sustained a groin injury attempting to drop-kick a doorman in Wombats, the New York celebrity disco after he had been asked to leave as he simply wasn't famous (or handsome) enough.

But the referee jaunty geordie Alex Lifeson, the illegitimate son of the octogenarian guitarist with the prehistoric rock band Rush has spotted him and signaled to the linesmen to release the mobile video cameras to follow him as an instant playback enquiry will almost certainly be called for. The foam dribbling down Bacobslicer's chin is indication enough that the Evertonian Enema is spoiling for a fight - although with at least three black beltss in karate Mr. Zen is no push-over. Alex wonders if he has time to put some money on the Jap to knock seven bells out of Kevin but its too late now as one of the whirring video satellites is already hovering behind him and genialy suggests that if he uses a certain brand of smooth and soothing hair gel it will send the girls a go-go - yes, new Wash and Glo with dermatologicaly enhanced radioactive isotopes to stimulate even the most recalcitrant follicles and lightly massage the brain at the same time.

A cataclysmic confrontation is only narrowly avoided at the last minute when someone in the crowd kills himself and takes out half of one of the stands when a mobile rocket launcher he was attempting to set off blows up in his face (later investigations found the charred remnants of his pet cat Stompie wedged down the tube). As paramedics rush to the scene to give triage and rifle through stunned victims pockets (their wages are at an all time low and they have to take whatever opportunities present themselves), Prime Time coverage of the game is cut to air a sudden channel-wide Newsflash.

Prince Jimmy, the official Royal adoptee and heir to the British Throne after a public poll found that the British public overwhelmingly found all the other potential candidates complete twits and tosspots they wouldn't even spit on, has been arrested and charged with running over a party of elderly blind pedestrians whilst gunning down Abergele High Street on a quad-bike. The victims were on a day's outing to the local market from the Abergele Residential Home for the Blind. Families moan with outrage in living rooms across the land but then cheer patriotically when it is announced that the charge is a mere technicality and the beloved Orphan should be released no later than Thursday in time to cut the ribbon for the new twenty-four hour Fox and Grouse shooting reserve at Alton Towers.

"The Matron of the Blind Home is being sued for gross negligence and some say manslaughter would be too light a charge," smug Gordon Frothing Bumbanger Q.C. reassures the nation wearing a pale lemon suit and penelope pink tie matched by subtle rose eye-shadow and blusher. "The silly old coots were all quite as blind as bats and should never have been allowed out in the first place. The Home is equipped with a perfectly good Ping-Pong room and a wireless than can listen to Terry Wogan and Ken Bruce on - that's ample provision for all their recreational and intellectual needs. Sir Ozzy Osbourne O.B.E. has sent a Valentine's Day card, a Christmas Card and a Good Luck after your Operation card to the Prince; unfortunately he sent them to the wrong address... for some reason he addressed them all to President Putin c/o the Kremlin - what a silly billy our beloved Sir Ozzie is! - but sharp-sighted postie Bill Smithers of Kensington WI spotted Ozzi's typographical gaff and made sure they were all delivered to the correct address. I'm sure your smart thinking will be remembered when the New Year's Honours List is announced, Bill!"

All the same, despite Frothing Bumbanger's avuncular words, by the time they are repeated on the Six O'Clock News a large queue had gathered outside Buckingham Palace in support of Prince Jimmy and to lay garlands of flowers outside the Royal Guard's sentry boxes.

On the front page of the following morning's Sun, Times and Daily Boobs there is a photograph of Kevin Baconslicer and the still insanely grinning Mr. Zen shaking hands after laying down their own floral tributes. But a re-match has also already been scheduled for Thursday and a bloodbath is eagerly expected and anticipated by all!

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